fingernails apparently grow in faster and stronger in times of duress

yes, it is true.

where do we go from here?

i keep trying to start a new blog entry, but every time i start i just ramble on incoherently. and when i reread everything i wrote, it just depresses me. but that shouldnt be, because i am a pretty jolly guy. siiiigh.  its like if i actually stop and think about where i am in life, it freaks me out, so i have to keep up such a quick pace, either by smoking weed or drinking beer or playing poker or clensing my brain of any real thought when im at work. because if i dont, sometimes it just hits me - who i am, where i am, what im doing, what im not doing, and everything in between. and its like, ugggh. i never agreed to be a part of this, or to abide by this system i dispise.  i am by no means about to stop living my life, but still.  its like somebody signed me up for a game that i suck at and totally dont want to play, and now im stuck with it quite literally until i die.  and that is about the most disgusting thought i can put in my brain now. grr.

so, theres the loopholes that ive been looking for for years. poker is a nice means through the loophole, but only time will tell if i can build myself a life around it. simply put, i have no interest in working. either for "the man" or as my own boss. if i dont end up finding the rich oil heiress to marry i might be in a lot of trouble when it comes to supporting myself. which illustrates the ultimate truth: that i, like many of us, are overgrown kids not ready to make the step up.  perhaps that shortchanges me a little bit, but it's the way i feel and unless something drastic changes and soon i cant imagine feeling any different.

i could go to school. i could throw myself at the mercy of the system i loathe and pay them tens of thousands of dollars to process me through and shit me out a respectable citizen with a piece of paper that enables me to make 15% extra income in whatever professional field i land myself in.  with school requires work, which obviously i am not down with.  never will i go to school for that piece of paper.   i will go to school to learn in the fields that i am interested in.  i will avoid math like the plague. i wont take any sciences. give me the history, english and polysci classes and i'll be happy.  but then school becomes the manifestation of my life.  easy street all the way down.

we're going to end this blog right here. hopefully i will pick it up later and can work through some of this shit. much love.

Well, I am drunk...

OK, lets first get out of the way that I am an amaing typist. Yes, as I write these words (I even have the stamina to use the shift key while I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay drunk) I might admit that I am slightly inebriated. But that doesnt matter does it? The point is, I have amazing grammer and punctuation, even as I write these words drunk out of my mind. dont think that i think im special or anything, I just pride myself on being born from an English teacher, so these things I find engrained into my bones.

Drink drank drunk, I drank again. you shouldnt be surprised. the fact of the matter is regardless hoiw the room might spin I pride myself on correct grammer. under normal circumstances I might re-read that last sentence for typos and grammatical errors, but fucka buncha that bullshit, eh esse?

and as i type these words let it be known that quite literally mmy head lies in my hand and my eyes lay shut because quite imply i find it a litttle too difficult to write this right now. but yet somehow i still find time to gramattically correct myself. what that tells you about me, i am niot quite sure. but let it be said that this last paragraph has been written entirely with my drunken eyes closed and somehow managing to type my blllllllah someho w  angagin to type my thoughts into my stupid macbook.

and adskfnad;joandf and to those who say they would never buy any sort of Apple product i say to hell with you, you know not what you miss out on. 

its really funny because i continue to write these words[ uyet i dont know exactly what is cominf our. mt wywa vwinf xloaw, vy veIN VE2WINF ODD, QW AHll aww id rhia mKWA nt awnaw R ;;.

hesys u hyst had to popne my eyes and reali´my fingers are slightly off the standard keys. i guess that along wiht everything else doesnt matter, i in fact i find it pretty mazing that i can write this stuff in my sleep.

ok, not nii my sleep, butin a drunken stuper.

sometimes i find myself writing these things and im ever quite srue if im just rambling drunkeningingkndgka (drunkingly) or if im actually going to click the send button.

a few nights ago these crazy wacky chickcs came to visit but i wasntquite sure how to shiow them a good time, so what did it end up boiling down to? a night at the shanty full of sti[od sti[odotu amd di,b id\\dumbness. but they were silly peeps anyway im not sure how i was supposed to get along anyway,

but more infmportantly p what should i do when i find myself taling with a girl who i totally totally diiiiiig pbut cant find myself any commom ground?p phtttachshshsa, what does it even amtmatter? would you believe i have written this entire entry head hanging in my pillow with my fingers somehow agically dancing among the keyboard, with not controll ofrom the finger master yet with all the imagination and creativity as somebody my age should have.

oooooooooooooooh crapp i am listening to uyyngwie malsmeteen  well niot really but hes playing in the backgrouned and i dont think ican seem to type very well write nwooow.

woud yyou believe that i dont even know what ive said, i just am typing typing typing and whatever comes out comes out. gooo[ly i just dont understand people. some dude who it hink was named.......o h whit was wjat jios name?

baklke maybe? naaaaaaaw, but something like that. this dude buys me hella drinks because he thinks im so fucking cool. well is anyone going to say hes wrong? i dnnt think so. anyone who says otherwise is stuppppppppppppod

wjpaaaaa o kidy rm ended my tain of thought and y9ou know what i reralized/>>>>>> im  way to drunk to wtite any of these stupid blogs. in fact blogspot is a joke, the only purpose it has is self deprication amd sp,e sprt pf fpir, and some sourt of fourm to remind yourself HEY YES I LOST EVERYTHING I EVER LOVED<>

i walkd home for onice with my iPod attacted to my ears and it was awesome.

HOLY SHIT YOU ALL ARE SO COOL I CANT BELIVEVE ANYONE ACTUALL YREADS THIS ARE KIDDING ME?  BALGHAKDFGAJKFALJSDFSFJADSFADFASDF//

O 

KISSES AND HUGS

please dont let this be for naught. people may be inheratly good butj that means niothing. golly jee what the hell.

my eeyyeyes are closedpi im bnot sure what i type but let it be said that i worry about naive people andi i feel sory for diiots,. but lets be serious here 

lseriously/

]

byt really i totally had too many drinks. fuck you jeremy youbastdr thinking i cqn come out qne mqtdh i4inkw 2i5h you. pddddddohqq.  toll6 qne j3n i hopp3 you q43 wqr3 5onitth5 i 2oule d4y d4y d4y ir you 234n5. qne 2h? gu3dqwu3 you are teh colest fgirl i know and i totally love you and for fycjs saje u jbiw youre naive to what hapiness truly is but for fucks sake you will never learn if you never try.

LOVEEEEEEEEE I DO YOU ALL AND HOPE MAYBE YOU VAN UNDETSAND THIS BRCAUSE IT PROBABLY MAKES NO SENSE. BUT LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED AND LOVE BLAH BLOVE BLAH LOVE HAHHAHAHAHAHAA

p

be well my friends.

my eyes stay shut.. maybe this will make sense in the morning but i FUCKING DOUBTI TIT HAHAHAHAHHAHA

wom3times people just dont realize what they have in front of them until its gone, and ho,y fucking shit that is akid

I Need My Spiral Architect

Give me everything I've wanted in life for the past few years, and what do I get?  Feelings that nothing has changed, that while I may be doing everything I've wanted to do, I'm still so unsatisfied.  I came back to Arcata to get my shit together, to save up some money, pay off my bills, maybe buy a car and figure out where I'm going.  Now considering the economic depression I'm not exactly keen on buying some wheels at the moment or even moving out and getting an apartment or a house for that matter.  At first I thought it was hermit style of never leaving the house and playing online poker all day every day. Well I haven't even played in a while, I've been trying to go out more and I have succeeded in this department.  But the past few days have been interesting.

Thursday was the Reverend Horton Heat show, and it was a great show.  Maybe even worthy of a review, but I'm not in the mood for that.  What does matter is the amount of beer and liquor I drank that night, and how I wasn't totally wasted I was definitly drunk.

Friday night was Arts Arcata, my drinking having been curbed somewhat I only had.... four beers? Whatever, that's not even the point, as it was Saturday night that it seemed like we drank a lot over the longest period of time. Combined with a serious lack of sleep from Saturday night and a failed attempt at a mid-afternoon nap I knew my best friend was that can of Rockstar Juiced that would keep me going through Sunday night.

Figuring my traveling cranivale of friends wern't coming, only to learn they were much later than I thought, I ventured back out to Eureka and broke my (one of many) cardinal rules and kept up the drinking, however light it ended up being. Light drinking or heavy drinking, whatever... a couple pints and a couple shots. Now, when you were up all the previous night drinking for nearly 12 hours straight and you kind of doze off a little bit with no real sleep, then end up going out the next night and jumping right back on (off?) the wagon... STUPID! I didn't even get tipsy, I just got... I don't even know!

Smoking pot all the time definitely kills my sharp wit, and makes it a little more difficult to fully express myself when put on the spot, but drinking that much just gives me what I can best describe as blank stare. Just, blaaah... whereas you could say pot complicates those passageways in the brain that involve putting words to thought, I feel like alcohol just destroys it. Not that my brain is processing how to say what I want to say, but that my brain is just out of order, or at least a little disabled and outright incapable of expression.

So I feel it's time for a vacation. So I'm going down south for a couple weeks to stay with some friends and get the fuck outta dodge.  Too bad we don't live in the futuristic world of 1999's Total Recall, where we could not only take vacations from our homes but from ourselves using convoluted science fiction cliches. It might be nice to get out of this skin for a while.

Somethings Still Nothing

Dear Twentysomething Misanthrope Blog:

I am sorry I have been ignoring you lately.  Everytime I start to get it going with you, I end up deleting what I started because I know it's not enough to go off of.  I want you to document my creative rants and outlandish opinions at this interesting time in my life, not for anyone who reads this but for myself.  I don't want to look back through my archives and find half-assed two-paragraph entries I wrote when I was stoned at 4 in the morning.

It is ironic that I do have so much on my mind, and with so much free time you'd think I would've sat down and written a little something, but unfortunately the thoughts aren't translating well for my hands to write.  Interestingly, for example, I was pretty caught up in all the absurdities surrounding the final two or three months building to the election, I had so many thoughts on so many issues, and more than once tried to sit down and write it out, but was unable to do so.

Most of the time I will start a sentence or two on a particular topic, then soon realize my material is lacking, so I erase what I wrote and start anew. Occasionally I will write through the first paragraph or so, but realize it's shit and again start fresh.  So what separates this entry that (I now assume) will actually be published to the light of day from all the miserable failed attempts?. Well, I suppose I have a lot of material and time to write a piece on how I have so little material and time to write.

But am I really saying all that much?  I think I'm just repeating myself, or prolonging a simple thought into a drawn-out paragraph.  I suppose it doesn't matter, so long as I enjoy what I write.  And indeed, I do enjoy writing in this blog.  Sure, it may be a month until my next entry, but it could also be tomorrow.  The point is that when I have something to write about, I'll write about it, whatever it may be.

Even if it's all about how I have nothing at all to write.

Happy 2009,

Your Faithful Narrator, #655321

_____________________________________________

POSTSCRIPT: In titling this letter "Somethings Still Nothing" I came across a dilemma regarding the proper grammatical use of the apostrophe.  In what gradeschool taught me, a apostrophe signifies either ownership (i.e. "that is Bill's zamboni machine") or replaces the vowel in a contracted word (i.e. "they are" to "they're", "would not" to "wouldn't").  The title in case, "Somethings Still Nothing", the word something's (with apostrophe) represents something is. However, the nothing is not owned by something, thus the usage of the apostrophe would denote ownership.  As my father the English teacher is asleep, this is one mystery that will go unsolved tonight.