where do we go from here?

i keep trying to start a new blog entry, but every time i start i just ramble on incoherently. and when i reread everything i wrote, it just depresses me. but that shouldnt be, because i am a pretty jolly guy. siiiigh.  its like if i actually stop and think about where i am in life, it freaks me out, so i have to keep up such a quick pace, either by smoking weed or drinking beer or playing poker or clensing my brain of any real thought when im at work. because if i dont, sometimes it just hits me - who i am, where i am, what im doing, what im not doing, and everything in between. and its like, ugggh. i never agreed to be a part of this, or to abide by this system i dispise.  i am by no means about to stop living my life, but still.  its like somebody signed me up for a game that i suck at and totally dont want to play, and now im stuck with it quite literally until i die.  and that is about the most disgusting thought i can put in my brain now. grr.

so, theres the loopholes that ive been looking for for years. poker is a nice means through the loophole, but only time will tell if i can build myself a life around it. simply put, i have no interest in working. either for "the man" or as my own boss. if i dont end up finding the rich oil heiress to marry i might be in a lot of trouble when it comes to supporting myself. which illustrates the ultimate truth: that i, like many of us, are overgrown kids not ready to make the step up.  perhaps that shortchanges me a little bit, but it's the way i feel and unless something drastic changes and soon i cant imagine feeling any different.

i could go to school. i could throw myself at the mercy of the system i loathe and pay them tens of thousands of dollars to process me through and shit me out a respectable citizen with a piece of paper that enables me to make 15% extra income in whatever professional field i land myself in.  with school requires work, which obviously i am not down with.  never will i go to school for that piece of paper.   i will go to school to learn in the fields that i am interested in.  i will avoid math like the plague. i wont take any sciences. give me the history, english and polysci classes and i'll be happy.  but then school becomes the manifestation of my life.  easy street all the way down.

we're going to end this blog right here. hopefully i will pick it up later and can work through some of this shit. much love.